Breaking Bedlam (Beautiful Bedlam Book 2) Page 8

  Why didn’t I think of this earlier? She thought momentarily reprimanding herself. Sienna jumped in to the ditch she was building for herself. The dirt beneath her feet was cold but she didn’t mind. She didn’t exactly expect there to be central heating in the grave. She continued whistling One Republic’s ‘Good Life’ song to herself as she continued to dig and dig until her arms grew tired and she threw the shovel upwards and lay down. It was almost as soon as her back hit the soil Sienna felt like she was drowning in her mixed emotions as the song flew in her head. Her heart thudded thunderously, her hands were clammy with cold sweat and her entire body shook with nerves.

  “What’s happening to me?” she whispered as her eyes looked around frantically. She dug her fingers deep within the soil. She couldn’t feel a thing. She was numb. “You already know.” A familiar deep voice answered.

  “Dad?” Sienna gasped as she saw the figure above her. He wore exactly the same clothes as he had the last day she had seen him; a crisp white shirt, khaki pants and salt and pepper hair and a five o clock shadow indicating he needed a shave as usual. Oh, and he also had half of his skull blown off, with his brain matter and blood splayed all over his clothes. Not that it mattered. She was just glad he was there.

  “Hello, sweetheart.” He said with such warm love and affection in his voice. “Dad, is this a dream?” she asked and sat up and let him pull her up out of the ditch.

  “I’m not sure.” He whispered and looked around at the seemingly deserted cemetery. He barely got the chance to answer before his daughter wrapped her arms around him sobbing hysterically. He put his arms around her as she cried. He couldn’t help but tear up along with her as he heard the sound of heart breaking all over again.

  “I know, sweetheart. I know.” He cooed as he petted her head as he often did whenever she fell down as a child and hurt herself. No one could settle her down or set her off faster than he could. Well, other than Logan.

  “Daddy, how is this real?” she sniffed and looked up at his sad grey eyes.

  “Its not. Its all I your head, honey.” He replied desolately as he held her face in his hands. “How is that even possible?” she asked and held on to his arms. “They’re right aren’t they? I’m…I’m crazy?” she asked and closed her eyes as the tears seeped out flowing down her flushed cheeks. She already knew the answer. “You are not crazy. You’re just human. We all get lost sometimes and need someone to guide us back.” He said poetically.

  “I don’t have anyone. Not anymore. I need you. I need my dad.” She cried softly, her breathing grew slower and deeper as if she struggled to breathe.

  “I know but if you ever want a chance at happiness you have got to let me go. You can’t keep holding on to something that’s not real. I’m gone, Sienna. I’m not real.” He said gently knowing his words were crushing her.

  “No, you are real. I can feel you. I can hear you. I can see you! I don’t want to let you go. I won’t!” she sobbed as she tugged on to his shirt as if she knew in her heart he was going to leave her a second time.

  “Its time to say goodbye kid.” He said and kissed her on the forehead.

  “Please, don’t leave me alone.”

  “You’re not alone. You just need to open your eyes and get out of your head, because there are people who genuinely love you in this world. You just have to sit up and take notice.” He replied his voice fading away as his body slowly evaporated in to wisps of smoke, then finally in to nothing but air.

  “No, daddy, don’t go.” She wept, as her hands met nothing but cold autumn air. Sienna’s heart raced again but this time it was different. Her heart rate was far too high. Her body trembled, as her knees felt weak below. “I can’t breathe.” She gasped as she clasped her heart.

  “I can’t breathe.” She muttered again as she slowly lowered herself on to the ground and leaned against her father’s headstone. ‘I’m dying.’ She thought to herself panicked.

  ‘Isn’t this what you wanted?’ the voice asked in her head.

  “Yes.” She replied admittedly as her head grew light and dizzy.

  “No, no, Sienna you’re not dying. You’re having a panic attack. Just breathe for me, darling. Just breathe.” A voice said soothingly. She could feel a warm hand holding hers reassuringly.

  “That’s it. Breathe. Take a deep breath. Inhale.” He said softly so she complied. “Exhale.” He said after a moment.

  “Good, good. Again.” He said and tilted her head up to look at him. Sienna looked up to see a pair of striking deep-set blue eyes that reminded her of the ocean at sunset.

  “Blake?” she whispered as she took in his handsome chiseled face.

  “Sienna, look at me. Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.

  “I’m…I’m fine.” She stuttered as her breathing slowed. She looked around her nervously. What was he doing here? What just happened? She looked over his shoulder looking for any sight of her father and put her head against her knees as she cried softly. It wasn’t real. She couldn’t help but feel stupid and disappointed.

  “Sienna…” Blake said slowly and rubbed her back gently. He gulped as if he witnessed her despair. “I’m fine.” She sniffed and wiped her tears dry and stood up as if nothing happened. He followed suit and stood along with her brushing off the dirt on his pants. “What are you doing here?” she asked and rubbed her cold bare arms. He immediately took off his black jacket and put it over her shoulders. “Thank you.” She said as she snuggled in to the warmth of his coat. He smelt of aftershave and a whiff of cigarette. Blake smoking? Who’d have thought?

  “I was visiting my wife.” He replied somberly and put his hands in his pockets.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were married.” She apologized and tried not to look so shocked.

  “Its just that you look so young to be a widower.” She said and brushed the dirt off her knees and backside.

  “You’re never too young to lose someone you love. I’m sure you understand that better than most people Miss Rivers.” He said gravely as he looked at Phillip Rivers’ headstone. “Yes.” She replied quietly.

  “Sienna did you dig that ditch all by yourself?” he asked curiously masking his worry expertly.

  “No.” she lied. “I don’t know anything about that…hole.” She stuttered. The last thing she needed was her teacher knowing she was crazy too.

  “You’re lying.” He smiled.

  “Your nostrils flare when you lie.” He noted.

  “They do not!” she gasped and touched her nose. His grin broadened.

  “I can always tell whenever you say you misplaced your homework or accidentally left it at home.” he smirked causing something to turn in her heart unexpectedly, but in a good way. They both stopped smiling as they grew close to each other, captured in each other’s intense gaze.

  “Why were you lying in the grave?” he asked soberly.

  “You saw that?” she gulped and blushed. “I was the one that pulled you out.” He replied softly.

  “Don’t you remember?” he asked worriedly.

  “Of course.” She nodded. They both knew she was lying.

  “Sienna, where are your shoes?” he asked and bit his bottom lip in order not to laugh. “I must have misplaced them, sir.” She laughed. It was a broken laugh, the kind that erupts when you find yourself in a bad situation. Like finding a tiny speck of light in a vast sea of darkness.

  “Are you alright? Really, Sienna, you know you can tell me anything.” He said shortly after.

  “Am I alright? Honestly? No. But I just… I guess I have to let go of the past, if I want to be happy in my future.” She replied staring at her father’s grave.

  “That’s some pretty good advice. Where did you get that from?” he asked.

  “Just some crazy old guy I knew.” She smiled her broken smile and turned to face him.

  “The car’s this way.” He said and led the way. The drive home was peacefully silent. He parked in their driveway. She looked up at t
he house and was instantly filled with dread. She did not want to go in.

  “Sienna, if you don’t mind me asking, is everything alright at home?” he asked with his concerned teacher face. Sienna knew better than to answer him. He’d see straight through her lies. She handed him the coat.

  “Thank you, for everything. I want you to know that I’m grateful for all the help you’ve given me over the years.” She said earnestly and looked at his confused blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones and jaw and leaned forward and pecked him on the cheek. He froze in his seat. Both of their hearts were racing. Every touch was electrifying. He wanted nothing more than to lean over and to show her what it felt like to kiss a man and not by a boy but he knew his place. They both knew it wasn’t right. Not yet at least.

  “Sienna-“ he gulped.

  “I know. I just wanted to say goodbye.” She replied quietly and walked out of his car and in to her house silently as the night before he could say another word.

  The look on M aria Rivers’ face was priceless when she saw the muddy footprints Sienna’s left all over her precious hardwood floors. She screeched at her daughter wondering why God was punishing her with such a reckless child. “What did I ever do to deserve this?” She asked aloud repeatedly. First, she was about to tell the world all of her mother’s private secrets, then she almost killed her sister and barely blinked and acknowledged it and now she was getting the entire house filthy with her dirty bare feet. Maria didn’t know what to do anymore. It didn’t take thirty seconds for Meredith to come bundling in to her sister’s bedroom. She yelled at her incessantly as Sienna threw her clothes in to a suitcase. She pretended not to hear a word as Meredith swore explicitly and angrily at her. She was consumed by rage. Meredith was became the red-faced devil himself complete with a set of horns that were her wisps of her unruly curly hair standing up on its own accord.

  “What are you doing? Stop being so stupid! You just want to embarrass us all don’t you? So that people can think that we’re the bad family and you’re the poor innocent neglected one? I don’t think so! We’re going to make sure everyone knows the truth. That you’re nothing but a sick twisted deranged girl who belongs in the psychiatric ward. Where are you going to go, to your boyfriend? You’re pathetic! But you already know that, don’t you? You always have been and you always will be. Go! Go run and hide behind Prince Charming. See if any of us care! You’ll be running right back once you realize his true colors. And I’ll be standing by the door waiting to slam it in your face!” she bellowed and moved around trying to get sienna to look her in the eye. Sienna kept her poker face on and was almost done packing. She wanted nothing more than to finish the job that she had unintentionally started earlier on this evening but as usual her conscience got the better of her so she decided to ignore her. She blocked her out, the ringing in the ear helped dull down the noise but she could still hear snippets of the verbal attack she was getting subjected to.

  Candice who was almost forgotten about in the mad house stood aside motionless and passive as she watched the chaotic scene in silence. This made no sense. Sienna was making so much progress. Other than the sleepless nights, she seemed happier than Candice had ever seen her and she had barely caught her cousin talking to herself recently. Sienna was as sane as she could be in the past few weeks. She would smile and laugh on the phone for hours with Logan. Candice was sure he was the reason for her sudden mood change. Things were finally getting better for her but now things had apparently taken a one-eighty. Candice couldn’t help but wonder if Logan and her had broken up. She didn’t get a chance to ask as Sienna sprinted in to the shower.

  Aunt Maria and the twins followed her and screamed at her through the shower door. In actual truth Candice thought that none of her relatives had ever even considered the likely possibility that Sienna would end up leaving home and in a panicked attempt to keep her they threatened her with more fear and violence. What they didn’t understand was that the girl had clearly become immune to such behavior. Had Aunt Maria given her a hug it probably would’ve thrown Sienna off a lot more than a punch or a curse word. Only once she was in the shower and the sound of water gushing out of the showerhead splashed and splattered down against her skin did Sienna let her tears flow. She was careful not to make much sound as she sobbed it was a technique she had acquired over the years. She watched as the dirt washed down the train.

  The water was scalding on Sienna’s bare back, it was almost unbearable but for some reason she wouldn’t move away from the pouring lava disguised as water believing she deserved the pain. She gripped on to cold bathroom walls and clenched her eyes shut. She was burning. Her mind was exploding. This was God punishing her. The voices agreed with the conclusion she made. Eventually she couldn’t take it anymore and fell to the floor. After a few seconds the pain subsided and Sienna realized that her family were still outside shouting at her. She hadn’t even noticed this time. She slowly stood up and held on to the sink. She wearily opened her eyes to see her skin.

  She had perfect smooth olive colored skin.

  Sienna narrowed her eyes and touched her back and her arms. They were no longer sore. That’s impossible. She walked over and touched the water still pouring in the shower. It was freezing cold. She turned the tap off and quickly changed in to a fresh pair of clothes. She sighed as she could feel another one of her migraines coming on and opened the bathroom cabinet and took an aspirin pill. She shut the cabinet door and glared at herself for a minute.

  “What are you looking at?” she asked agitatedly. She was sick of everyone staring at her. Talking about her. Talking to her. Talking in general. She just wanted it all to stop! Sienna closed her eyes and mentally counted to ten, took in a deep breath just like Chris had told her to and calmed down slightly. She then emerged back in to her bedroom dressed in a black sweater and a pair of dark skinny jeans.

  “Just think about it, where are you going to live? With Logan and Grace? With Robert?” she stammered as she followed her daughter around the room like a rabid dog to the bone.

  “Gee mom, are you jealous? Would you like to come with me? Maybe we can become a disgusting distorted modern family, you and Mr. Jackson, and me and Logan in the bedroom next door?” Sienna retorted sarcastically her voice filled with venom. Her mother’s eyes looked almost demonic and dark. For once she didn’t retaliate with her usual arm swinging full forced slap followed by her asking God why Sienna was the way she was. Instead she stood only a few feet away staring at Sienna’s reflection in the mirror jaw clenched and eyes brimmed with hot salty tears. Sienna wondered if her mother genuinely was slightly jealous.

  “What the hell are you talking about? You’re disgusting! The lies you come up with! Mom’s not some whore like you to go live in sin! I feel sorry for her to have ever had to endure nine months of pregnancy followed by hours and hours of labor pain then years and years of nothing but disobedience, selfishness and ingratitude. What goes around comes around. I sincerely hope that when you grow up all of your children despise you.” Meredith whispered in to Sienna’s ear as she combed her hair.

  “And that you become fat and ugly.” She added afterwards. Sienna couldn’t help but smirk at that. “Maybe then people will actually believe we’re sisters.” She remarked and started blow-drying her hair. If she was going to go out she was going to do it in style. Cora rolled her eyes at that. Sienna knew what they thought of her, that she was nothing but a pretty, vain, manipulative lying crazy bitch that made elusive comments about their beloved saint mother. She knew they condemned her for her beauty and for her free spirit that they constantly tried to tie down. Most of all she knew they despised her and blamed her for the death of their father and that’s what hurt her the most. Cora ripped the cord out of the socket and threw the blow dryer on to the floor. “We’re talking to you. Don’t you ever listen?” she shouted.

  “If any of you ever paused to breathe in any of your reproaches maybe you’d have noticed that I’ve been listening and listening and
listening for years and years. Every time I forgot to put one dish away you all conveniently decide not to care that I had washed a mammoth sized load of dishes and dried them, no instead you jump on me at once like savages chomping away at me with your snide remarks and bitter criticisms. Every time I got a C on a paper I would be forced to just stand there as you pass my report card around sneering then admonishing me in the most cruelest of ways, even though you all knew how hard I studied and crammed for that test.” She said recalling the many memories flowing through her mind in rapid succession.

  “Oh here comes the sob story, poor me, no one loved me, get over it!” Meredith sneered.

  “I’m not done talking!” Sienna hissed her eyes flared up challengingly. “Every time I was sick and lay on the sofa, I’d get yelled at for either faking it or spreading the germs or seeking attention for being ill and getting told that “nobody cares”” she said using air quotes with her fingers looking directly at Cora.

  “Every time I wore a pretty dress and some stranger looked at me, it was my fault for some reason and then you would go at me again. Every time I went to bed or even entered a room you would talk about me right in front of me like I’m not in front you. And you’d laugh and sometimes you’d even point. Oh and lets not forget the many times you’ve told me to go kill myself. Guess what apparently that’s another thing I’m crap at!” she said her voice breaking up along with her heart as she lifted the sleeve to her left wrist momentarily baring faint scars. At this point of Sienna’s confrontation everyone in the room had wet faces. Sienna didn’t know if it was because of pity, guilt, sadness, regret or just pure anger.